Boundaries

Why Unconditional Love is Toxic and Why Boundaries Matter

 Loving people without limits means staying no matter what—no matter if they hurt you, no matter if you deserve better, no matter if better is right there waiting for you.

 It means handing out infinite forgiveness, fueling a cycle where they can hurt you repeatedly without consequence. So don’t partake.

Love should be conditional. Standards should be the default. And deep down, we know they are. We don’t just love anyone—we don’t fall for the random crack head or mad man on the street. Our love already has conditions, like getting to know someone first. Yet for some reason, unconditional love is romanticized in movies, books, and culture. In reality, love should have conditions—conditions that protect you, your peace, and your emotional well-being.

If someone is hurting you, making you doubt yourself, making you feel less than—why should you stay? Why keep giving them the gift of your love when they refuse to show up properly? Loving someone regardless of everything is self-abandonment. No one deserves that. And in the rare case where someone is truly worthy of unconditional love, you won’t have to do all that endless forgiving because they’ll show up the right way from the start.

Why Society Keeps Glorifying Emotionally Unavailable People

Unrequited relationships are exhausting. As someone who’s self-diagnosed with an anxious attachment style, I tend to attract the most... uniquely avoidant people. Although nowadays, I don't entertain avoidant people but isn't it pathetic how society keeps glorifying emotional unavailability. You see it everywhere—articles, social media, the “cool guy/girl” persona.

• “Don’t be too much.”
• “Reply five hours later.”
• “Make them jealous.”
• “Act mysterious, cancel plans.”
• *Make them want you, don't be so available."

It’s always some ridiculous strategy on how to walk on eggshells, suppressing your emotions just to avoid triggering an avoidant’s fear of intimacy. Society acts like detachment is an attractive trait, but it’s not. It’s stunted. It’s shameful. It’s not cool, edgy, or mature—it’s dysfunctional.

Do We Use Labels to Avoid the Truth About People?

I'm beginning to detach a bit from my anxious ways, and for some reason, clarity follows me. My latest realization? I want nothing to do with anyone I identify as Avoidant.

Are We Giving Avoidants a Free Pass by Labeling Them?

When we label people as Avoidant, are we actually avoiding reality? Are we subconsciously giving them a free pass to evade accountability? Someone is hurting you, but instead of confronting their actions—their dismissiveness, their coldness, their standoffish nature—we soften the blow. Instead of calling them out as unworthy of being in our lives, we flip the script. We victimize them. We offer them a title, a reason, an excuse, because we’re desperate to keep them around.

Why You Should Stop Tolerating Emotionally Unavailable People

I don’t think Avoidants are terrible people, but I also don’t think they’re people we should keep in our lives—whether in friendships or relationships. They struggle with emotional availability, and while it may not be their fault, that doesn’t mean we should suffer because of it.

Some fixate on ghost exes. Some pull away when you lean in. Regardless of their specific triggers, the result is the same: they resist emotional intimacy. They may not be intentionally malicious, but we shouldn’t tolerate their behavior either.

Stop Excusing Emotionally Unavailable People—Accept Them for Who They Are

Instead of trying to rationalize their behavior, we need to take them at face value. If someone consistently makes you feel unwanted, it's because they do not want you. No more second chances. No more holding on tighter, hoping they’ll change. Just let them go.

You can still love them from afar, but that doesn’t mean they need to stay in your life.

Instead of victimizing them and trying to understand where they're coming from, tell yourself you're harassing them and they deserve peace of mind—which is your absence. 

From Frustration to Freedom: How I Stopped Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People

I used to feel frustrated by Avoidants—their mixed signals, their inconsistency, the way they’d pull away the moment things got real. But now? I feel validated. Their behavior confirms that they do not deserve my love. And that realization is liberating.

Thank you for acting exactly as you always do—it makes it easy to withdraw my love and redirect it to people who actually deserve it— The healthily attached and anxiously attached individuals in my life. 

I stopped choosing emotionally unavailable people when I started listening to my heart instead, when I realized it's so much calmer around people who validate me, when I don't have to restrict myself around a friend out of fear that my emotional vulnerability might scare them away, when I can cry freely without worrying about giving someone the ick and I just know safely in my heart they won't pull away or feel overwhelmed by my emotions, even when it's boiling over like an erupting volcano. 

The people who remind me that it's so easy, it's easy to be present, it's easy to enjoy my company, it's easy to slow down while I'm walking because I walk slowly, it's easy to pick up my palm as we walk together, it's easy to hug me in front of everyone, it's easy to apologize. It's so very easy to love me as I am. 

 I stopped choosing emotionally unavailable people the minute I finally accepted that trying to change other people or prove that they too can love me in this way is so very pointless, instead I can just redirect all my love to the people who actually deserve it. 

Why Real Love Shouldn’t Feel Like a Battle

Why was the “love conquers all” trope pushed onto us? It should’ve been specific—healthy love that doesn’t disrespect you conquers all. Why was forgiveness preached so much when we should’ve been taught that some hurts are unforgivable, and leaving is the only answer?

Eventually, though, everyone gets it. 

A World of Avoidants: Would They All Just Ghost Each Other?

Imagine a world where Avoidants were forced to interact only with each other. I’d pay good money to watch that experiment. Would they just ghost each other repeatedly? Would anyone ever form a genuine connection, or would they all sit in silence, terrified of getting too close?

What Happens When Only Anxious People Date Each Other?

Now, picture a planet of only Anxious individuals. At first, absolute chaos—overthinking, constant reassurance-seeking, spirals upon spirals. But I have a theory: eventually, they’d learn to regulate each other. Those who crave comfort would instinctively know how to provide it. Their emotional needs would finally be met, and over time, they’d shift toward security.

What a Relationship Looks Like When Both People Are Secure

No chasing. No running. No mind games. Just people choosing each other freely, without fear of emotional intimacy or overwhelming one another. Balance. Stability.

Stop Trying to Love an Avoidant—Walk Away Instead

At the end of the day, trying to love an Avoidant is like watering a plant in a vase with no bottom. No matter how much love you pour in, it will never take root.

So stop trying. Let them go. Give your love to those who will actually hold it.

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