Worse Than an Atheist? My Journey from Doubt to Faith

How I Struggled With Faith But Found God Anyway

You see, my own will was to not believe God existed. My own will was to be atheist, agnostic, or even deist, and trust me—I tried.

The Biggest Questions That Made Me Doubt God

The Bible didn’t make any sense—said the girl who hadn't even taken the time to read it, only regularly frowning and shaking her head at the scriptures misogynistic pastors pulled out during services to keep women in submission.

The stories were illogical—said the girl who never viewed the story from the lens they were really written in, from the lens of the people who wrote them and what was considered the norm in their reality.

God couldn’t exist, why were people suffering? Said the girl who viewed suffering as something from God and as punishment.

If God existed, then doesn’t that make him a wicked being? And I do not want to serve a wicked being. Said the girl who just did not want to serve any being other than herself, clinging tight to her autonomy like a precious jewel.

How God Kept Reaching for Me Even When I Pulled Away

You see, I had it all. I had the questions, the anger—there was a period of my life as a young adolescent, where I even hated God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost. I hated it all because if you're so real, why did you create me so differently? Unless you hated me? In that case, I hate you too!

I didn’t celebrate Christmas, didn’t celebrate Easter. I was always just bitter.

But I think something that sharply separated me—would I say fortunately or unfortunately—from the atheist and the agnostics and eventually the deists is... I never felt abandoned.

Instead, I felt heard. Seen. Touched. I saw his work in my immediate family's life. Especially my older sister, who took a good turn and leaned into Christianity fully—Choir, Services, Training, she was there.

Signs of God’s Presence in My Life That I Couldn’t Ignore

God started growing on me, in a way that annoyed stubborn deist me who'd grown comfortable in her belief that even if God existed he just did not interfere in our lives. He couldn't, I mean how many people's lives could he actively change, it was impossible. 

Because you see, God started interfering. 

I would see his hand in my sister's life, and it would vex me so much. There were countless times I’d just say, "Wow oh, be like this una Christianity is real." "Wow, it's like God is real oh?" "Omo, what prayer did you pray last night make I copy" "Jesus, I can't believe God is real." It was always leaving my mouth.

(And you can't imagine how pissed off I was! I mean, I already gave you an inch! Why are you trying to take my entire hand Goddamnit, I already believe you're real why must I believe you actually intervene, omg why are you influencing, guiding, why can I see your hand in this. Stop!) 

I also saw it in my life earlier on, not just in my sister’s, but I think it just hits different when you're now an adult and you're regularly cussing out God and Jesus, mocking Christians on your WhatsApp status. When you see all these things happening before your eyes, you have no choice but to stop and feel—not think. Because "thinking" is really how you lose it.

Growing Up Christian: How I Went From Doubt to Faith

I grew up in a Christian home. We were Pentecostals, Living Faith Church members. We even schooled in the primary and secondary schools. We attended Shiloh regularly.

Something that strikes me regularly is the last time I attended Shiloh as a kid. We used to receive this—would I call it a list?—where you write down what you want God to do for you. The last time I attended, I wrote down everything, giving God a shot again to prove he’s real, to make me stop hating him so much. I wrote about it and forgot because well—"yeah right mf." (I recently saw a meme on Instagram that was like 'imagine if God didn't have a sense of humor, I'd be cooked' and real sha)

And I kid you not. Every single thing I wrote came to fruition.

I see God in my parents' lives. Without going into details, it warms my heart because certain things only God could explain.

Why I Still Believe in God Even When Others Don’t

In some ways now, I feel survivor's guilt. I wonder—if the atheist who no longer believes in God had experienced a miracle like I regularly do, would they still disbelieve?

Would they carry that doubt in their chest and hold tight to it, looking down on individuals who believe in a God if they were granted the same privilege I’d been?

If God had held on to their hands tighter, even after they struggled to shake him off—as I have?

Or maybe it’s all about just rewiring your mindset, dropping ego. And this is something the atheist and the rest struggle with.

Because then again, I also feel like they have experienced miracles too, they have been granted privileges too and God is still holding onto their hands tighter but these are all things they leave unacknowledged, so maybe that's where I differ? Maybe that's why I see God. 

The Life-Changing Moment I Finally Stopped Resisting God

The day I decided to believe in God again, even against my own will, against my own common sense, I dropped my ego.

I cried too, because I was so overwhelmed by a mix of emotions. I fought to drop my logic, because it's not easy.

You require evidence to believe in God, but when evidence stares at you, you dismiss it. You expect evidence to come in sugar-coated goodness, as if strife and hard times cannot also be evidence of God's presence in our lives.

What It Really Means to Love and Trust God

I love God. My foundation in God, in Jesus, in the Holy Ghost, in being Christ-like is something I built myself.

I've learnt that maybe faith isn’t about blind obedience but about trust. And trust doesn’t erase freedom—it just means choosing to believe that God’s way might be better, even when it’s hard. But that’s still a choice.

God holds tight to my hand, and I've taught myself to feel his presence, to hear him when he speaks, to trust in his silence, to follow his guidance.

And loving God, trusting God, believing in God does not mean hard times cease. It does not mean you will not experience loss anymore because death is a part of life.

Suffering is a part of life. Everything negative comes with being alive, but we tend to blame God for all these instead of realizing that no—believing in God, trusting in him, would not make life stop lifing.

(In fact, life would life even more harder because choosing to trust in a being you can't see, somehow feels like you get to dump all these obligations on said being and you can now demand all boxes be ticked as a reward for your faith so when all expectations aren't meant, when you don't get a 'life immunity card', life lifing hits harder, because believing in said being should have made you immune, shouldn't it have and now you're crying even louder than usual feeling deep disappointment because why could something like this happen to you even with all your faith!?) 

So no, life would not stop lifing just because you worship God, just because you believe in him, you would not suddenly become rich overnight, or start getting all these goodluck thrown at you, or meet your perfect soulmate immediately, no life would keep on happening, believing in God does not mean you hang your gloves, stop working hard, stop expecting illness and death, forget mortality is real and clap for your maid God to deliver your every wishes and seize everything bad, no. 

Instead, it would provide you with deep, inexplicable internal comfort when life happens.

And that really is it, finish. Why can't the comfort of God be enough for us? 

How to Trust God Even When Life Feels Hopeless

God is real. And if you've ever found yourself in moments where you're doubting his existence—

Maybe, God teaches us how to trust him by placing us in difficult predicaments.

When you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you have no other choice than to hold God's hands tighter and keep walking down the path he's aligned for us.

Eventually, one day, hopefully, the first speck of light would come in, and you'd look back and see God smiling at you—because now you've learned to trust in the darkness.

You've learned to trust that no matter whatever you face, God will not let go of your hand.

How Faith Helped Me Find Peace in Hard Times

Believing in God doesn’t mean life stops being hard—it means you don’t have to face it alone. Faith isn’t about blind obedience but about trusting in His presence, even in the darkest moments. If you’ve ever wrestled with doubt, maybe that’s exactly where faith begins.

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