Meow Meow

it doesn't go silent. just pretends to be. 

Will i miss you forever?

on some days when you aren't feeling that heaviness in your chest, you're losing memories of what they looked like. 


how they smelt. sometimes, the process where you're not actively grieving feels like betrayal 


like forgetfulness, like they're becoming fickle in your heart and you have done them wrong.


and I think it hurts the most, how you can't just grab onto these fading memories and keep them alive, at least without the help of videos or pictures. 


and that pain in itself, is awful. it's awful, it's awful.. it's terrible. the worst



because I'm not trying to forget, I could never forget. but yet my brain is being unfair and I can't remember it proactively. I don't know what you look like anymore. 


I've begun to forget your smell. I know what your silhouette is... but, your features are fading. 


and when grief does return as it always does, and as you're staring at pictures of them, videos together.. there's an extra emotion now; fear. 



you are afraid one day you'd forget them and their memories, one they don't share with anyone else would die with you. they would be erased and it'd be all your fault. 


and when guilt soils your grief, you grieve forever.


but when fear is within it, you die over and over and over again. 


when fear tangles with your grief, you look over your shoulder and you see them staring at you. begging not to be forgotten as they fragment into tiny pieces while you watch, while you scream and run in an attempt to hold them, but they're fading easily, they're half gone but you're still running, asking how can I hold on, how can I stop letting go. how can I allow the pain stay because clearly the pain is remnant of you and now that I'm losing the pain slowly but steadily I'm losing you. how do stop losing you? how do I keep the pain alive? I don't want to lose you. 


please. how can I keep you, I do not mind the pain, I do not mind it because then you are alive, please stay. please. please. please. 


but no matter how fast you run, no matter how much tears run down your eyes, how tight your chest is, how slow your body feels, how foggy your head is... they're still vanishing. 


and when you finally reach the spot they were in, you'd drop to the floor.. hold onto the sand they stood on, and break.


"🎵I will love you forever and I'd miss you forever. That's just how it is, that's just how it is. I'd keep you alive, deep in my heart. I'd speak about you, to every ear who cares. I'd talk about you, to those who can't listen, I'd write about you, to those who can't hear. Because you need to be known about, I need you to be known about, cause that's just how it is... that's just how it is.🎵"

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