I Am Jonah: Finding Faith in the Belly of the Whale

you know.. this past month has been really hell for me.

The Anger of Belief: Why It’s Okay to Be Mad at God

but.. you’d think that would somehow make me shift away from God… but it doesn’t. i’ve screamed, i’ve ran, i’ve pushed him away.. but up until 1 minute ago i didn’t even notice that i’m Job…? idk who’s the dude the Whale swallowed.. i used to think im Job tho, the one who devil wanted to curse God, mahnnnn did i curse God so bad, everytime i prayed for a miracle and it didn’t happen i’d be so mad at him… eventually i just wished i didn’t believe in him instead. i was soooo jealous of Atheists so bad, how could they do it? not believe.

Faith in the Lack: Why Suffering Solidifies Belief More Than Flourishing

this period of time.. my faith has solidified which is very quite ironic because i used to believe for me personally, loving God is easiest when im flourishing you know? money to splash around and the rest so why won’t i always be thanking God, but this phase in my life and i really wish im finally closing it with this realization.. but I've realized thanks to this unfortunate phase of my life, believing in God, loving God.. is ironically the easiest thing to do in lack. ironically enough. when i don’t feel like i have what to thank him about, when i even want to curse him out the most… i only want to curse him out so bad… because im angry and you can’t be angry at what you KNOW doesn’t exist, so with no doubts i OBVIOUSLY KNOW God exists, you know? after all the anger calms down, i still have gratitude too.. for what’s still existing, i apologize to him and i still praise him and sing songs, i realized during this hard phase in my life that… God can be an unwavering force of comfort because before and after cursing him out.. he comforts me. ironically enough.

i think you mentioned something like this when you said on that call that maybe God gave my [redacted] mom [redacted] so he can get closer to him (i’m paraphrasing don’t eat me raw. sorry) i snapped at you because i was seeing it happen in me… in real time and it still felt unfair.

anyway.. God is real. i now know like deep deep down in my heart and DNA certain things about my faith and God and life generally, about the deepest lows of life and its like.. even many things i’ve not discussed yet has happened behind the scenes. i’ve matured too in a way. touched reality grass more slightly. even though i’m somehow still typing this hoping that God will be like “yeah, she’s learned enough.. that will be all guys. pull back” (PLEASE God release meeee, shine your lucky eyes on meeeee again Goddddd… lol anywayyy, i got carried away there)

The 'See-Finish' of Spiritual Growth: Moving From 'Job' to 'Jonah'

but yeah. i’m like the dude the whale swallowed honestly. like wow why did it take me this long to get it…

he ain’t wanna serve [or save], he ran.. and the whale (which can be categorized as series of bad things metaphorically if you look at it like that) swallowed him up. i’m sure i used to think he might have just pretended so the whale spat him out so he can go preach to them niggasssssss [and be done with it], but now i certainly know that he actually opened his heart truly to God. and when he went to go preach and win souls to Christ and God, he really understood the why. he was made whole in God.

like i’ve been made whole. maybe my purpose was to … Jonah! his name was Jonah! maybe my purpose in life is to win souls to christ.. like Jonah.

i am Jonah.

i am Jonah. hallelujah. i am made whole and complete in Jesus name and in christ, and in God.

My Prayer Answered: The Hardest Way to Get Closer to God

and he’s finally granted my deepest wish. if you remember, when we first met i said one of my new year’s wish/prayers was to get closer to God, to strengthen my faith and ironically…

i’ve been dragged by the feet face flat across asphalt buuuuut, i am closer to God, to Christ, to believing.. my faith is restored and solidified. i whole heartedly accept the lord as my personal savior.

amen. thank you.