I Don't Like How This Makes Me Feel: Red Flags I Saw on the First Date and Why I Trust My Intuition Now

I swear you can always tell a man is abusive from the first date and this is not to victim blame.

abusive men can't hide it, note how I didn't say psychopathic or sociopathic men, I mean abusive.

they're always so obvious and controlling and disgusting.

and i swear to God it’s easier to see when you don’t listen to that nonsense rhetoric that actually centralizes men but disguises as decentralized men knowledge, when you use my simple rule of ‘i don’t like how this makes me feel’ over internalizing subconscious coding that comes with ‘he’s just not that into you’ subtle centralizing men’s theme. when you just start saying it as ‘hey? this person is being awful to me right now’ when you switch to that thinking, you stop putting men on pedestals where you try to achieve the goal where they would actually be into you or it activates you feeling like you’d have to eventually settle because no one is ever into you

for example, i knew this man was abusive or had a serious probability of turning out abusive later in life when i caught him withholding compliments and people will try to play it down but, it was even worse so.. a first date.

he’d stared me down and from a bodily natural reaction, he’d muttered ‘you look really good’ and the only reason i heard this was because all my life classmates have always joked i had werewolf ears, even men when i'm on calls and they’re always shocked i could hear clearly something that’d been whispered in the background so mind you i wasn’t supposed to hear that, but i did. and once again ladies and gentlemen, he’s muttering so i go ‘huh? what did you say’ because i want to actually hear you not pick up a mutter and he stares at me, maintains eye contact and i believe he mistook this as me thirsty for ‘validation’ from him.. because mind you we’ve already gone 20 minutes off without any compliments and so his face twists and it’s a smug smirk as he looks me down again and it felt dirty. activate #1 ‘i don’t like how this makes me feel’ but it gets further worse because he looks at me and his face twists further more and i swear it became like an energy thing of his own, you could feel his energy instead and he doesn’t go ‘i said you…’ he’s instead letting me hear the ‘compliment’ he’s giving me for the first time that night…he doesn’t know i’ve heard him the first time, he doesn’t know that’s my arsenal up my sleeves. and he smirks ready to activate something that those ‘he’s just not that into you’ majors parrot a lot and he goes, ‘you look ok’.. you look okay. and i’m saying he said o..k, not the okaay but the o and the k

and there my friend activates the #2 ‘i don’t like how this makes me feel’ and i challenge you reading this to reframe your mindset into one where this i don’t like how this makes me feel is not said with pity or shame but with DISGUST. irritation, you are irritated. i stare at him again and he’s proud of himself, like he’s humbled me, knocked me off my actual social standing, degraded me and so, my assumptions of myself, how i feel has taken a hit, and it was so intentional, the pause he took before the ‘ok’, like he wants me to sit in it all, hear what he really thinks of me so i internalize it all and make it my truth. he’s so proud of himself and so am i… because three years ago i could’ve never recognized this for what it was. and this is the first time ever on a date talkless a first introductory one i’ve ever experienced this.

the backstory to me being on this cheapening date was because i had to cheapen myself. i have this bare minimum basic default standard where in i would never go on a date with you if you don’t have a car, at least for my own comfort… i’ve experienced people who book me rides when they don’t have a car or someone who lets me know he’s gonna lend his friends’ car cause his is down. you know full transparency and truth so they don't show up in a car that isn't theirs but I think is theirs... but this dude wasn’t even offering and i was on the date because my sisters and friend, called me vain.

i had a proper talking to by my younger sister who went on and on about how judgemental i was being and a car does not reflect how well a mans’ going to treat you, proper word salad that actually made sense because she took it a step further and successfully convinced me that my high standards were actually self sabotaging methods because i was intent on disqualifying people. so that’s the backstory.

and im high off wanting to prove im not vain, wanting to enjoy a man for what he’s offering, for who he is. luckily for me he’d sent like enough money for going and coming … i was trying to make progress and improve my vain self but hell no if i was also going to pay my transport too and am i glad i didn’t!

because as if that wasn’t even enough the smug look, he did more and more and more and more to the point that while i acknowledge my sisters’ points were fair and truth i will simply never be living up to them. i will remain vain, heck i will become extraordinarily vain because something i didn’t even understand when i set this standards was it filtered out a certain kind of mennnnnnn and let me explain.

it filters out a type of men, and i had their oga patapata sitting besides me on this off to a horrid first foot ‘date’ and we’re talking, you know im making him laugh because i am incredibly funny. you see i put those standards because i am incredibly well rounded and i should not have allowed just anyone granted access to my presence on a just because basis.

we’re talking about popularity back in secondary school and the conversation by his effort shifts to how nowadays men can’t get women anymore without first having to impress them.. and if he had shut up then i would have just thought of him as an actual loser, which i realized my rule all these time had been saving me from but he went a step further and he lists the SMIRNOFF ICE he ordered for me and he’s like, now you have to take girls out to this (cheap spot he recommend and I agreed to because typically, me i loveeee trying out new high end restaurants as a first date outing but here i was at a) mid class bar slash lounge and he still mentioned it in a way that tingled my ‘IDLHTMMF’ spidey-sense like i should feel grateful and in return obligated to repay his 'generosity'), and he continues speaking too and he's like now you also have to buy them Smirnoff Ice (i chose the cheapest drink on the menu because i’ve never been out with a broke man… and i was trying to prove i was not vain, i could roll in the trenches for love too you know, roll in the mud and would you imagine that, here I was about to roll oooh. ask and you shall receive, knock and the door shall be opened up to you, type shit) and it’s just Smirnoff ice and still he speaks in that condescending ‘look how much im doing for you just to impress you, you should be grateful’ and he still takes it a step further even though we’re already 2/3 gone with the I Don’t Like How This Makes Me Feel in less than 2 minutes of him talking again and he hits the nail on the coffin with his 3/3 knockout and says ‘now you have to buy them pepper soup too to impress them’ mind you the pepper soup order was also the cheapest food on the menu and there i was all glammed up because i didn’t want to give t-shirt and jeans and no makeup just because he had no car but there i was incredibly beautiful on the cheapest date of my life!!

im 22, i did not know you could experience a terrible date and i realized my standards has been saving me from cheap dates, from terrible experiences because no man in a benz, a lexus is feeling like a bill of 15k was impressing any damn lady. and i suddenly felt so bad and not in the way he was hoping he’d make me feel, but in a "wow Awele, im so very sorry i did this to you, i should have protected you by keeping to my standards. I'm never ever doing this to you again. ever" way.

and it almost put tears in my eyes because typically i get expensive red wine, i order whatever he’s ordering but maybe a tier cheaper, i get out of a car, go back into a car, i smile and we sing along to music and suddenly i started missing my last date, he suddenly became so much better?

this man had successfully raised the stock value of another man while on a date and i missed him so bad because he was far much richer (1) and i realized he could have easily made me feel so disgusted or wanted to make me feel grateful because he spent sooo much, im talking at least 100k on my singular meal talk less of his own bill that’s much more expensive and I never heard any silly ‘you have to impress her buy buying her xyz’, because maybe bare minimum people who aren't struggling know that meals aren't impressing nobody but the hungry??? and had i known that was just the tip of the iceberg because it genuinely got worse

after he said that i completely zoned out, i realized why dating is important… or at least having a roster, you go out meet new people and realize you’ve actually met the best of the best by mistake, people go up and their value goes up as you appreciate them more while some (as my current dating nightmare) goes down.

then he continues burying the coffin deeper in the ground and he starts talking about how the location is far from his place and he’d have to get a hotel room nearby and i try not to think too much of it, afterall he wouldn’t right? he would not dare? right?

oh but he dared because sixty seconds later he’s going on about how i can follow him to his hotel room? and it really ruined everything. i will never ever go on a date with a broke man. a careless man. a man with an iphone lower than mine. never ever again.

never!

and i obviously told him of course not, of course I'm not following you to a hotel room??? this is literally the first time we're meeting. and i wish he’d just shut up but over the course of the date that i had to eventually end he kept negging, repeatedly bringing up me going to his hotel with him, repeatedly at different intervals. mind you i was still trying even when we go to the lounge to look around and they tell us oh you have to order a wine first and the lowest wine is far more expensive than what we spent so far and he looks uncomfortable so i suggest we leave and we do that walk of shame because im being considerate of his budget, something i realized i’ve never had to worry about… i was even still being considerate and he kept negging.

it felt disgusting, borderline rapey, it felt how i imagine being stranded and having to sleep over in a males friends’ room for the night and he suddenly starts touching up on you, begging you to just let him hit and you’ve said no, about ten times already but he wants to tire you down, make you weak to the point you just give in. it felt disgusting and i was finally fed up.

i think i almost snapped. i asked him if he patronizes prostitutes, i asked him if he thought i was one.. and this man made it further worse, he tries to flip it on me and tell me i’ve offended him with my words…. my brother in christ you spent the past 30 minutes offending me with your words, trying to neg an actual psychologist are you insane? or egoistic or incredibly stupid!? then i tell him we should go, because earlier he’d said if it’s before 9pm he’d be able to go home and i’m like, oh look it’s still not yet 9pm you can just go home instead, let’s all go home please, and we're walking and he makes it further worse by walking extremely fast, and he's doing it in a way you can tell someone's annoyed.

and in the way narcissists walk ahead of you, in a power tussle way.. but me, I chose to enjoy it. because at that point I also didn't want to associate with him, I looked so beautiful that night and I didn't want him reaping any social points of being close to me.

then he looks back and of course I'm looking gorgeous as fuck while still giving him that distance, let someone better not think we're together and he suddenly slows down because he needs to reap that, hot girl besides you society assumes you bought her wig, her iPhone and her dress, society assumes you the mannnn energy, because he ain't the man! he ain't the man of anything, or maybe he slowed down because he failed at his objective and realized I wasn't just not unaffected by that, but I seemed to be enjoying his distance and we catch up because he stops walking and I'm still walking and I really hate it.

I hate that we're now standing together so he starts speaking some more, the coffin was already six feet under but he was still speaking. and he's going "oh I'm tired of talking, my salivas' dried up. you don't want to come over. what do you think of me? why are you so scared" and I'm like is that why you're giving me attitude and he goes, no he's not, just that what I'd said earlier hurt his feelings, "hurt his feelings" and to be sincere it's really disgusting when you see someone attempt to gaslight you.

you can do nothing but just stare irritated because why? and I'm like okay and we walk outside the gate, I want him to go back home or go to his hotel or whatever but I need the distance between us immediately. I need him gone

while we're walking men come out from their cars and they pass us and I jam eye contact with this really handsome one and I feel a sense of loss, there's no woman in sight so it's a bunch of guys just going out to hang and as we maintain eye contact I see him glance at that.... boy in front of me and the eye contact ends.

he's so respectful of another man and I know I probably looked like an evil bitch in his eyes because he's a man who respects other men's property and I so badly want to scream "i don't even know the guy" but it's too late and everything that could've been is gone and we walk past each other and then again, it starts to talk again, I'm dead and buried what more do you want from me!!!!

and he's asking me where I live, like he's always pestered me about this past week we've been talking online and I realized in that moment I'd never had to worry about any man I've gone out with knowing where I lived, and I noticed what else my standards had saved me from.

and this is not to say every man with a car is not a psychopath, nor an abuser, (I recognize that it is all individuality at play) but to say i've strictly stuck to my standards and by doing so, for doing so: demanding more. I'd unknowingly built a shield around me, that kept idiots away, because I simply did not acknowledge their existence, I only acknowledged worthy companions and it acted like a filter, there's many men with cars I would've never told where I lived as in the truths that they've still never been able to score a date with me yet but I realized as he physically still pestered me about knowing where I lived that I'd actually never gone out with a man I didn't want to know where I lived. and that should be the first red flag I ignored and I know I ignored it because I had soft blocked this man because he was so pestering about trying to know everything about me, in a way that made my skin crawl and I'd complained to my sisters once more and they'd crucified me and said what's wrong in a man wanting to know more about me, once again I was told that I am stiff and it was normal so I followed this man back and although I didn't tell him where I lived, I internalized that I had a vulnerability problem when really I actually never have a vulnerability problem, I never had a vulnerability problem until it came to him.

there's a lot of lessons in this crazy diary entry blog, but the major one is your intuition always knows first and best.

he goes on to neg some more and I tell him in person to not worry about where I fucking live. at this time I've run out of I Don't Like How This Makes Me Feel to give, I was exhausted and I lie to him that I'm going to a supermarket nearby first and he says he wants to tag along and he won't feel okay until I'm gone and mind you this is the first time ever I'm going on a date with a man who doesn't drive. like Mr man, I'm going to eventually just get in a Keke? (context in the state I'm currently in, there's no bolt or uber no busses either, no bikes too, we go Keke over here) what's it to you. you ain't parked in front of my gate watching me go in safely, boy I am entering a Keke oh, a KE KE! or you want to trail behind me in another Keke and i wanted him gone first for that reason. I did not want him to know where I was going to be retiring for that night and it struck something in me because I've never felt like this towards anyone I've been on a date with. even before the whole disaster of a mistake night happened, I already never wanted him to know where I lived intuitively and now physically I understood why.

so we argue abit and he's trying to gaslight me because he's insistent on getting me to accept his lie as the truth, and he's going on and on about how my words hurt him, and to paraphrase so men know how other men sounded like when they're blaming women for believing them, here's what the gaslighting looks like;

"I’m not a guy that will ask a lady for sex on the first meeting." "It’s all in your head boo." "But God knows my intention wasn’t even sexual." "It wasn’t sexual at all." "I only liked your vibe and wanted more time out with you." "I would have even slept on the floor if it came to that. I was just feeling a bit lonely and didn’t want the night to end so soon." "I hope you understand that I wasn’t implying anything else."

and I'm so exhausted, I realize he was honestly trying to tire me down, to get me to admit a fault so he can win and get on a upper horse but he does not know me, because when I get exhausted, I get snappy. not submissive but snappy so I snap.

I don't remember what it is but he's asking me what I want to get and he's talking about sending me some money for me to get it and Im just so zoned out because can this night end already, please?? get me out of here please! and then I tell him fine, send it to my account then because i definitely need compensation for this night & he's offering right? "don't worry about my budget", "big daddy you got this" but, he does this one more thing where he tries to see if I'd finally concede because he'd be sending me money soon but I still don't, he tries to start telling me he just wants to enjoy my company in the hotel room and I give up and asks him if he genuinely just thinks I'm stupid and I'm talking and he begins to walk away..

he genuinely walks away while I'm speaking and ignores me and I felt so relieved so very relieved,

(I'm certain this is what ghosting feels like and we always view it the wrong way, what if ghosting at play is just like this.. he's finally accepted he can't game you so he disappears)

I'm watching him because I want to be sure he's gone before I even go back and I see him haggle with the Keke man and I just.. God I look away in shame and suddenly he's gone. I don't know where he goes but he walks off from the Keke man the last I look so I decide to just go into the supermarket anyways, to wait him out or something, because I already felt like he'd linger and watch, to see where I'd head into. After about ten minutes inside I check out, and I look around again when I'm outside to be sure he's gone and when I don't see him I charter my own keke and realize I do need a car. And I need my man to find me before I find my car because the rate at which my standards would go further higher with a car, would put my siblings and friend to shame with that vain talk because finally you'd see the vain indeed.

you see when I got to where I'd be retiring for the night, about fourty minutes later came his apologies and it was more gaslighting, more of that "I'm not a ritualist. nor a bad guy, I'm a gooood guyyyy, I just didn't wanna be lonely, you're the one thinking it was sexual 'boo' get it out of your head' and it was so offensive because even if I were to go to a hotel with a man I'm just meeting, if the worst of worst were to happen to me and I'm not talking just stopping at rape, the blame would fall on me, the stupidity would be mine to chest alone. I could not even fathom it all, did it work? Did he go on first dates and take women home? then my brother in Christ, skip the dates and just patronize prostitutes, or is it cheaper? You spend 15k on an outing and neg the girl downwards some more and you end up sleeping with her for just 15k?? Is that how this works. Can you sleep with a prostitute for 15k? Is it more expensive.

He's blocked now by the way, long story short. but that's why I stand by what I'd led with earlier.

I swear you can always tell a man is abusive from the first date and this is not to victim blame.

abusive men can't hide it, note how I didn't say psychopathic or sociopathic men, I mean abusive.

they're always so obvious and controlling and disgusting

but they don't have the brains of a psychopath to properly deceive you, they don't have the charm the sociopath does.

so you can pick up on their tendencies, they're careless. prioritizing short term gratification since they cannot commit to anything longer because their facade falls faster the longer you're around them and they slip up so easily but only if you've tuned yourself to identifying red flags for what they are instead of signs some twat 'isn't into you'.

this man on this first date displayed so many glaring red signs, he'd exhibited controlling issues, tried to attack my self esteem so I would be low enough to accept whatever he's offering or commanding I do or collect whatever he was feeling entitled to.

I can envision a scenario where I let him win each time he attacked, a scenario where I was gullible to believe his words, to crave his validation after he negged me in the name of complimenting how I looked and i followed a stark stranger to a hotel room at night.

do you reckon a man chasing short term gratification with no class enough to delay would take no for an answer when it is only you two alone in a room at 3am in the morning and he's up with a raving erection? I've gone too far, 9:32 when he's finished checking in do you not reckon he can just lock the door the second you go in? do you reckon after he's violated you he would apologize, probably cry, send across flowers and gifts and blame his lust for you, tell you you were too sexy and he could not resist. do you reckon after he's realized how subservient, naive, beautiful and young you are he would not keep you on a tight leash because he encounters defiant, open eye, violent thugs 7/10 times and as such he is not letting you go? you are three in a ten, he needs you the most because you are his most physically appealing target, do you not reckon his demands would increase and soon you'd be paying his bills, spreading your legs and still getting beat up if you dare to exhibit any defiance to his never ending demands?

you see abusive men linger the way rot smells, you can pick it up on them quickly and once you do.

attack back. by choosing you.